Gav's Spot

Friday, November 12, 2010

Crazy as Batshit at the Legion

By Seamus O'Bradaigh
Terry Nunn deserves an ass-whoppin! On the pillory at 12 noon.
Rotten tomatoes dead center on that mushy noodle.
Stupid is as stupid does. And these gems? STUPID!
Crazy as batshit.
The whole town of Campbellford?
No.
The Legion members?
Yes.
"Retired Toronto police officer Terry Nunn has apologized for showing up at a Legion hall in Ontario in blackface and being led around on a rope by a friend in a Ku Klux Klan outfit," said the Calgary Herald.
"It doesn't matter that it was Halloween. The outfit is offensive and it especially has no place in a Legion, which honours men and women who fought and died for freedom.
Nunn and his friend inexplicably won first place for their costume, which added insult to the insensitivity. The Legion branch has also apologized to Mark Andrade, a black man in Campbellford, Ont., who complained about the get-up."
And we go on and on bursting volubly from every nook and cranny in Canada.
Point is. It's pointless.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Terry Nunn is stupid.
His friend's an idiot.
The people who voted for the gag are rampant racists.
Oh ... don't indict the town says the Mayor.
Bull shit.
I'll indict who I want ya' ramblin' asshole.
Ever watch Law and Order ya' witless apologist?
Y'all opened the door ... you bozos.
Papers across Canada spit venom aghast.
The mayor of the town in question on CBC radio recently called it "an unfortunate incident" and told Rita Chelli he was getting a lot of harassing phone calls and emails.
Shut the fuck up.
An unfortunate incident is your dog shitting on the neighbor's porch.
This was racism pure and simple.
A scrum.
A period piece that demands that at least one of these assholes gets an ass-whoppin'!
Terry Nunn offered a tepid apology.
He said he's not a racist.
The Legion members voted a duo in blackface and KKK hat and robe as the best fucking costume at their Halloween bash.
And I am royally pissed.
I saw the pictures.
Now I wanna' know.
One thing and one thing only.
How did that duo get into a Legion dressed in drag and wearing hats.
The last time I stepped ionto a legion wearing my Desert Storm baseball cap I was juked with the round.
$55 bucks it cost me.
Then they booted my ass out and stole my hat.
So how did retired cop Terry Nunn sneak into the Legion.
And how did they get by the sentient 94 year-old greeter and hat-check scrutineer at the door?
And why did they not get stuck with the round?
And how did they end up winning the Texas Mickey as the best costumers on the night?
C'mon Legion in Campbellford.
Charge these guys for the round.
And kick their ass around the barroom floor.
Terry Nunn says he's not a racist.
Says some of his best friends are black.
Says "hey ma brotha's? Whaaaaasup? Cant's we all just get along?"
Well Mr. Nunn ...here's something for your pea brained, mushy mash of incandescent noodles screaming like a pinball around that vacuous space between your fucking ears to ponder.
I read an account of a soldier - a Canadian soldier who was among the first witnesses on scene at Dachau shortly after the Allies crumpled the nazis (sic on purpose).
He said - essentially - that he could not believe that one human being - or cartel of sadists -could possibly concoct such abject humiliation, torture and blandishment upon members of the human race.
Terry Nunn.
You are a living lobotomy.
A very good argument for retroactive abortion.
A measure of just how low a human soul can go.
You and your friends at the Campbellford Legion deserve to be ridiculed.
You are devoid of intelligent thought.
You disgraced my father, who fought in Italy and France to advance the cause of freedom ... freedom for all men to live equally and without rancour.
You disgraced Legions all across Canada.
You and your Legion cronies who voted for you and that witless charade should be driven from that Legion like rats from a sinking ship.
Driven back to some black hole.
Like the squabbling neanderthals that ye all be.
And Mayor whatever the fuck your name is.
Man up and grab a pair you woosey apologist.
Hope the council makes your life miserable.
Hope you keep getting emails.
I am filing for a public members bill to bring back the stocks.
Rotten tomatoes in the town square for all those Legion racists who consider leading a black man around in a noose with garb reserved for jackals, spit-brained slobberers and knuckle-dragging idiots as a fairly routine exercise.
And I'm mailing this correspondence to all of kneejerk spit-wizards at the Campbellford Legion.
Make copies please! All you racists and low-lifes.
Then fold those copies five ways and shove em where the moon never shines.


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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My Sears Experience - Walking thru the River Styx



By Terrance Gavan
Pardon the Eruption - Managing Editor
How the Gav fell into a deep dark miasma of unspecified dung.
My letter to Sears after a frustrating 1.5 hours on the phone with several (6) Sears representatives.
At Sears.CA … Customer Service is apparently an oxymoron.

Dear Faceless Sears Canada Dreck:
I received an email with the following:
Terrance Gavan: In the subject line
Case Number : 1768082 re order number 1010089815-00002
We are contacting you regarding an order placed with Sears Canada. 
Before this order can be processed, it is necessary for us to verify some information with you.  For security reasons, we are unable to verify this information through email.
Best results are achieved by promptly contacting the Sears Help Desk at 1-866-816-1700 between the hours of 8:00 am - midnight Eastern Standard Time.
Don’t you dare … ever again to offer that number to a customer!
If you value your client base!
Hah! Jesus Christ what am I saying?
I must be having a sixties flashback.
Now: some background.
I am a writer, a columnist. And for the past two years or so I had carried a credit of $255 on my sears master Card ...
I checked in September and found that my $255 balance had suddenly been whittled to $199 or so. I inquired and was told "service charges" on a credit balance. Whoooweeee! You guys know how to make a buck!!
Let me remind you that I had overpaid old Sears card two Christmases ago. Never used the new Sears Mastercard .. not once.
Now being informed that my credit situation would be whittled to the big squadouche (nothing) in about eight years … so I decided I better spend the balance.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Colorado Avalanche star Matt Duchene comes home

Duchene right at home back in the Highlands
by terrance gavan
Giving back.
It’s part paradigm and part recipe, rolled into a tight karmic ball.
It’s what the good ones do: give back.
And we like the good ones.
They remind us of the potent possibilities inherent in a smile, a whispered word, and the precious donation of one’s time.
Which is why it was nice to see Matthew Duchene back at home in the old Dysart et al Arena last Tuesday afternoon, giving back, hot-stoving, spinning yarn, and spending quality time with some old friends and many new acquaintances. 
For those unfamiliar with Matt Duchene, he’s the local kid who grew up with a dream that chugged into reality in large part through the good auspices of the Dysart et al Arena ice, a supportive family, great schools, nurturing community, and Haliburton’s perplexing and peculiar penchant for churning tykes in Tacks into hockey superlatives.
The old Dysart barn is where young Matthew started his hockey career; just like a lot of the kids – young and old - who came to see him last Tuesday to get autographs and have their pictures taken with the rookie sensation currently toiling splendidly for the NHL’s Colorado Avalanche.
Drafted third overall in the 2009 NHL entry draft by the Avs, his favorite team when he was growing up, Matt Duchene is currently leading all NHL rookies in scoring, a stat made more impressive by the fact that the list of rookies includes the number one overall 2009 pick, effervescent sniper, John Tavares.
Duchene remains one of only a very select group of 18-year-old rookies that broke into the pro ranks in their draft year. He’s the beneficiary of a hefty signing bonus, a nifty salary, and he’s sitting on the speckled horizon of a career that thus far seems blessed and bedazzled by far-reaching promise. And, oh yeah, he just turned 19 a few weeks back.
So what the heck was young Matthew Duchene doing in the Dysart et al Arena last Tuesday, when a large portion of NHL players, currently on a mid-season hiatus  engendered by the Olympic hockey tournament, were spending quality time on a beach in St. Bart’s, body surfing in Nassau, or golfing in Arizona?
Matt answered that question last Wednesday in Lindsay. He had just helped his old high school hockey mentors Ron Yake and Gary Brohman coach the Red Hawk hockey team to a 7-3 victory over I.E. Weldon Wildcats at the Lindsay Recreational Complex.
He was preparing to board the old school bus for the return trip down Highway 35 to Haliburton.
Asked if he was happy that he could now add the perfect coaching record - 1-0 - to his growing list of  hockey accomplishments Duchene just laughed.
“Well, yeah, but I coached Adam Foote’s (Colorado teammate and in-house landlord) kid two weeks ago, and we won that game too, so I guess I’m really 2-0 as a coach,” smiles Duchene.
Earlier that day, just outside the Hal High gym, Duchene’s former teacher Walter Tose made a point of coming up to him and thanking him for coming back. “It means a lot to people,” Tose said.
Duchene is reminded of that poignant moment in Lindsay, and when asked about how it feels to hear things like that, he thinks for a minute and attempts to place it all in perspective.
“Very nice to hear that [comment from Tose],” says Duchene. “I came back, but it’s not like it’s a totally selfless thing. I want to be back in my home town. I love being in Haliburton. And I’m going to do something for the community and the kids, because I was them once; and I looked up to different guys that played in the NHL, so I know what it’s like to be able to meet (an NHL player).”
Understand that despite those gentle protestations, last Tuesday Duchene showed his true commitment to this community. All proceeds from the autograph sessions last Tuesday in Haliburton, last Thursday in Minden, and on Sunday in Wilberforce went to the Sick Children’s Hospital in Toronto. The funds donated are to be submitted in the name of Dawson Hamilton, Duchene’s special friend, who for five of his nine years spent a great deal of his time on the cancer ward of the Sick Kids battling, in vain, against the cancer which finally took his life last December just a week before his tenth birthday.
He got permission from the Avalanche to leave the team to attend Dawson’s funeral in Minden.
And Duchene came back to Haliburton last week because there’s really no place else he’d rather be.
Last Tuesday he was on the ice practicing with his old high school team beginning at around 3:30 p.m. After the high school practice was over he came back out on the ice to skate a bit with the Haliburton Highland Storm Novice team. And after that he changed, and popped upstairs to the recreation hall on the second floor of the arena, had a quick meal, brought to the arena by mom Chris and dad Vince, and then spent two hours from 6 until 8 p.m. signing autographs and sitting for photographs.
“I feel like a regular guy and at the same time I know how I’m looked at in the community, so I want to do as much as I can to give back and to help out where I can,” says Duchene. The high school hockey junket was especially gratifying, because just three years ago he was riding that bus to Lindsay and Peterborough. And he still remembers just how fun it was; among friends, with guys who just wanted to play. No money. No per diem. Just rolling wheels and the excited buzz.
“I wanted to come back home, and I said to my mom ask coach Bro’ (Gary Brohman – Hal High hockey coach and principal) If I could come practice, skate with the team and maybe help out coaching and I’m happy he let me do it and it was a lot of fun,” says Duchene. “I’ve had it mind for a long time to come home . . . I’m not a big guy for the sun. This was definitely my first choice.”
Some kids who met Duchene will be taking this moment well past their childhood.
Ryan Hall plays defense for the Highland Storm Novice team that was on the ice practicing when Matt Duchene paid a visit to their Tuesday afternoon workout.
Hall came upstairs after practice for Duchene’s autograph. Asked who his favorite NHL player was Hall’s answer was succinct and definitive.
“Matt Duchene is my favorite player,” smiles Hall.
Asked what words of advice Duchene had for the young Novice team, Hall thinks for a bit.
“He told us to play hard; have fun,” says Hall.
A pretty nice gift of advice, from one aspiring star to another.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Conservative MP Barry Devolin's aide sounds off on global warming


Global Warming - can 1500 scientists be wrong?
This is a letter received from Douglas Smith, a PhD living in Carnarvon, Ontario.
It concerns a staffer at Conservative MP Barry Devolin's Lindsay, Ontario constituency office.
Mr. Smith was concerned about the staffer Peter Taylor's somewhat rigorous thoughts about global warming.
The following is verbatim from Mr. Smith, who by way of full disclosure, has run for the Green Party in the past.
Mr. Devolin, for the record, said in an Echo article that Peter Taylor's views do not reflect the views of the party or his own thoughts on Global warming.
What follows is Mr. Smith's verbatim transcript.

On December 18, 2009 around 9:30 AM, I left my phone number with the receptionist at the Conservative Party constitutency office in Lindsay, requesting that Mr. Peter Taylor return my call. Mr. Taylor serves as an office assistant to Barry Devolin, Member of Parliament for the federal riding of Haliburton/Kawartha Lakes/Brock.
Earlier in the day I had learned from a trustworthy source that Mr. Taylor was quite open in voicing some extreme right-wing notions about the politics of climate change. Being curious about the beliefs of Mr. Devolin’s assistant, I recorded his return phonecall, which extended from 11:30 AM till noon-hour.
A complete transcript of our phone exchange follows. A copy can be made available for verification purposes.
Even a quick scan of this transcript raises serious questions about the mental tenor of at least one employee at Mr. Devolin’s constituency office. Exactly why has Mr. Devolin hired a fanatic to talk offensive balderdash to his constituents? If this is not as Mr. Devolin would like it, then surely some vigorous consciousness-raising is in order.

PT My name is Peter from Barry Devolin’s office. Would Doug Smith be there, please?

DS Doug Smith is speaking.

PT How can I help you, sir? You called and left a message for me?

DS I did. I’m a constituent, a somewhat concerned constituent, speaking from the Carnarvon area…It would seem from the national press that a good deal of shame has been brought upon Canada because of our attitude or response to the climate crisis.

PT Which climate crisis?

DS The climate crisis that’s occuring on this planet.

PT What is the crisis?

DS Well, I’m sure you’re aware of the details of it…The crisis has to do with the fact that the earth is warming due to anthropogenic sources.

PT Says who?

DS Says the majority of the world’s scientists.

PT They just did a report that said they were lying to each other, that international group, and they have just been doing cover-up, it hasn’t been proven at all…Six hundred years ago they were growing wheat on Greenland and there were no SUVs back then. So global warming has nothing to do with man…Climate change is better true, and nothing that humans could ever do would ever change the climate. Now, if we’re talking about pollution, I would agree with you, we should do our best to not pollute the environment.

DS So it’s your attitude that additions of CO2 to the air don’t affect climate?

PT Actually it’s needed by plants. Plants take in carbon dioxide, sir, and they convert it into – they use it in the photosynthesis process. Why would you want to decrease the carbon dioxide in the environment?

DS Because if you took the case of oxygen, for instance, if you increased oxygen, your lungs would burn up. Obviously there are optimum levels…

PT The oxygen levels were higher a few thousand years ago.

DS What I am saying is, if you continue to increase them, eventually your lungs will ignite.

PT You’re talking about oxygen, sir. Are you saying we should cut down trees? That’s ridiculous too.

DS Well, we do cut down trees, don’t we?

PT But sir, climate control has nothing to do with what’s happening in Copenhagen. Copenhagen is just a transfer of funds from rich nations to poor nations. And who makes the money but Al Gore by selling cap-and-trade tax credits. Because if you went on your assumption, what caused the global warming when the Vikings were growing crops on Greenland? If you can answer me that question, then I’d say, yes sir, we could do something. And when the Vikings did something to Greenland. And it’s obviously not true. There’s been periods of heating and cooling across the world over the last thousands of years.

DS Are you prepared to accept that the rapid heating of the earth…

PT There’s no “rapid.” It’s not proven. It’s flawed science.

DS Who are you listening to?

PT Who are you listening to?

DS I’m listening to the twelve hundred scientists who represent the International Panel on Climate Change.

PT There’s not twelve hundred scientists. If you investigate it, there’s just a few of them. They’re all politically driven. Any scientists that do have a true message are shut down by liberal-leaning universities that they work for. Anyway, I’m saying it’s hogwash, and there’s lots of articles out there, sir…And there Senate reports. Senator Imhofe of the U.S. Congress has come out and said it’s a plot. Al Gore’s movie, “The Inconsistent Truth”, whatever it is, the flawed hockey-stick argument, it’s shown to be bogus.

DS Isn’t that Senator employed by the oil-and-gas industry?

PT He’s done a whole report on climate change, showing how bogus it all is.

DS A lot of people say he’s the biggest…

PT They’re the ones on the other side of the issue. They want your tax money to give to the Third World countries, supposedly. Do you want to be controlled by the UN, or do you want a sovereign nation of Canada deciding our own future?

DS I understand these are your points of view, but what does Mr. Devolin feel about it?

PT I don’t know what Mr. Devolin feels.

DS Has he ever expressed himself on this subject?

PT I can get him to write you a letter, but that’s the truth, sir.

DS Are you his parliamentary representative?

PT No, I’m just an assistant in the office, who’s well informed on the issues.

DS Well, you don’t seem to be well informed, but you certainly have some strong attitudes.

PT Well, sir, I’m not informed on left issues, but I do know what their arguments are.

DS It doesn’t have to do much with the left. It has to do with whether we are going to survive here on this planet, or not.

PT Do you think that by making a few changes and giving more money to the UN is going to solve it?

DS I don’t think a few changes are called for. I think rather radical changes are called for.

PT What are the radical changes you’re asking for, sir?

DS We are going to have to decrease our use of a lot of internal combustion engines rather quickly.

PT China’s not going to do it, and India’s not going to do it. They are developing nations right now. And Africa’s not going to do it. Canada is insignificant in terms of 35 million people compared to 5 billion on the earth.

DS Doesn’t it concern you that Canada produces more greenhouse gas percapita than any other nation in the world?

PT That is a bogus statistic, sir.

DS Does your Prime Minister represent the oil-and-gas industry, or does he represent the people of Canada?

PT He represents the sovereign nation of Canada, sir.

DS To what extent are we sovereign if we have alligned with the United States forces?

Pt We’re not aligning…

DS The Prime Minister just said that he was pleased to announce that Canada has aligned its forces with those of the United States. To what extent do we remain sovereign?

PT Well, I disagree that we have aligned outselves with the United States.

DS Well then, you would have to disagree with the Prime Minister. He just announced it in Copenhagen.

PT There is a lot of politics involved, even for our Prime Minister who is having to posture…Look at the Kyoto Accord. People signed it and did absolutely nothing, because it was a worthless piece of document.

DS Well, Canada actually rescinded its agreement…making Canada a criminal in terms of the world’s eyes.

PT That’s what I’m saying! Criminal to who? To the UN body, who is a bunch of corrupt communist socialists who are trying to take your money.

DS There are no communists left on the face of this earth.

PT What about the South America dictator?

DS He’s not a dictator. He’s an elected representative of his country.

PT It’s a communist country, sir!

DS It’s not a communist country. There’s a large capitalist bloc.

PT He’s a dictator!

DS He’s not a dictator, he’s elected.

PT Pardon me, sir, but you don’t know what a dictatorship is. If you go down and look at these countries…

DS Have you lived there?

PT I have, sir.

DS You’ve lived in Venezuela? Well?

PT Have you?

DS No, but I’ve been in Guyana, and I know what it’s like to live in a country that isn’t socialist. That’s right next door, by the way.

PT They’re taking your money and they want more of your money.

DS Who’s they?

PT The UN!

DS I’m not being taxed by the UN.

PT Hillary Clinton announced that’s she going to raise – who’s paying 100 billion dollars?

DS Well, if it actually even happens. That’s politics too, don’t you think?

PT I think it is. It’s a lot a rhetoric, sir. But who gets the money? It’s the guys like Al Gore, who sell you the tax credits.

DS Al Gore is already a rich man, so why would he want more money?

PT So he can power his house down there in the States. It’s the only house you can see from space, I’ve heard.

DS I betcha that’s not the case, because Bill Gates has a bigger house than he has.

PT Well, Bill Gates earned his money by selling you and me internet connections, and we have a choice. But Bill Gates is different. Do you know the difference between Bill Gates and Al Gore? Al Gore is selling government, more government to you. Bill Gates is selling private enterprise. You can buy or not buy his product. You have a choice.

DS Actually, Bill Gates has tried his hardest over the last decades to enforce a monopoly, so that I can’t buy another product.

PT You can buy Coca-Cola if you choose to or not. You don’t have any choice with taxes…

DS Fortunately the United States intervened and broke up Microsoft, so that I do have a choice. It takes the government to police these characters, don’t you think? That’s why we have anti-trust legislation.

PT I agree. But what we’re talking about at Cohenhagen is not free enterprise, sir. The raping of governments and taking over power by these unelected officials in Copenhagen.

DS I think Harper was elected, and wasn’t he present in Copenhagen?

PT He’s going over to sign the agreement to make everyone feel good and look good because we’re trying to save the planet. And sir, the planet doesn’t need saving.

DS It’s not the planet that needs saving. It will continue to wheel through space for an eternity. It’s probably the life that exists upon it, the thin biofilm…

PT The Vikings, you still haven’t answered my question.

DS The vikings have nothing to do with it.

PT We were covered in ice a few thousand years ago. What caused the warming?

DS Because of the Milankovitch cycles, which are very, very long term…

PT What heated it up, the sun?

DS Yes, the sun.

PT It wasn’t people using hair-spray?

DS You’re babbling. You ask me a question, then you start to babble. If you want the answer you will have to wait a second. There are long-term cycles called Milankovitch cycles, which can be predicted, they are geological in nature, and they have to do with the relationship of the earth to the sun…

PT You used one word I will contest with: predicted. They can’t predict the weather on Friday.

DS I’m not talking about the weather. I’m talking about the climate through thousands of years of geological time, and these effects can be predicted. Likewise, there are short-term blips of heating and warming. That’s natural. Every natural phenomenon has a cycle to it. But what is most, most alarming…

PT It’s all made up.

DS Actually it’s not. They record the cycles through cores in ice and…

PT It’s all baloney science. They’re just making it up. You know, when I went to school these same scientists were saying that we were cooling.
Now they say we’re warming.
DS Don’t you think that science advances, that it deepens its knowledge, and improves its techniques?

PT Read the counter-arguments. There are two arguments…

DS Well, there is data on the one hand, and there are people who make arguments on the other.

PT Well, obviously the Prime Minister doesn’t agree with you.

DS What do you mean to say?

PT He’s duly elected by the people.

DS And what does he think?

PT Well, he doesn’t agree with you.

DS What does he agree with? He already said at Copenhagen that all Canadian’s should be concerned about the climate crisis. Are you differing with the Prime Minister on this matter?

PT I guess I do on this one.

DS Why? Because you don’t have any evidence. You just have prejudices.

PT I don’t have any evidence? Neither do you, sir.

DS You see, I do. But I’m not going to give it to you over a five-minute phone-call. Obviously, it you would like to sit down and pass and swap articles, we could do that. If you have the qualifications to test who actually…

PT You know what would be the real test. Ten years from now, if we haven’t seen the death of the world and we’re not dead.

DS Well, I don’t think that’s very prudent. The idea is to intervene before the cycle becomes impossible to restrain.

PT Intervene how? You can’t control the Indians or the Chinese do, and the other three-and-a-half billion people…

DS We start with ourselves. We are going to have to start with ourselves. You know how? Impose a two dollar tax on gasoline and see what happens. That’s going to change things quite a bit, isn’t it?

PT We’ll become a banana republic…We’ll all be on bicycles. Maybe that’s the way you want it, for all I know.

DS I just want to quote you what the Prime Minister said in Copenhagen. He said, and I’m quoting, “Canadians of all ages and in all regions share a profound interest in contributing to effective global action on climate change.” So I’m asking you, how is the Progressive Conservative government contemplating these things, and what is Mr. Devolin prepared to do with regards to the economy and society in this area, in order to bring about the change that the Prime Minister is asking for.

PT I guess he’ll get that same question in question-period when government resumes in January.

DS I’m wishing that you would pass this question on to Mr. Devolin in the hope that he would have something clear to say.

PT I’m sure that they will have a release, and you’ll read about it soon.

DS Are you at odds with Mr. Devolin on this issue?

PT I have no idea. I’ve never talked to him about it.

DS You haven’t!

PT No, sir!

DS Well, why wouldn’t you? Again I’m quoting the Prime Minister that “it’s a matter of profound interest to Caanadians”.

PT I’m profoundly interested, too.

DS Of course, in the other direction.

PT Exactly.

DS Well, it seems that you’re coming from a position of almost total ignorance…

PT Your point of view.

DS The actual fact is that you have to in the final analysis acknowledge that some people know more than you do, as duly recognized senior scientists in their field. And if there is near-unanimity amongst them, and actually a convergence of opinion…

PT What about the unanimity of the scientist who disagree with you?

DS The scientists who disagree are in…

PT Because you write them off, just like I’m writing you off. It’s a political issue.

DS Now, you don’t really want to write someone off who has a PhD, while you sit there as a staff…

PT …grants…money…

DS I’m not getting paid by anybody.

PT I know you’re not, but all the money in terms of science - they’re getting grants from schools…

DS Why shouldn’t schools give grants to people to do research? How else do you do research?

PT I’m telling you to watch where the money goes and what they study.

DS So if you look at money going into Senator Imhofe’s coffers from the oil-and-gas industry, what do you conclude?

PT That’s baloney.

DS It’s not baloney. He has to publish the data. He has to, as a representative of the United States Senate, publish where his contributions come from, and if he gets $250,000 from the oil-and-gas industry, what conclusions do I draw, based on what you are saying about people who receive grants?

PT So does Obama. He gets money support from the oil-and-gas industry.

DS Of course.

PT That’s not the argument.

DS Well, that is the argument. You say, if you get money from somebody, you follow the money. So I followed the money. Now you say that’s not the argument. What is your argument?

PT The truth is, the climate has always been changing, and nothing we do is going to affect it.

DS Well, we’ve already affected it, so that is actually not the truth. The scientific consensus is that we have affected it anthrogenically through the release of CO2 and other carbon dioxide-like matter into the atmosphere. You can sit there and try to refute that, but you have no solid evidence whatsoever that’s not the case.

PT Toronto is a warmer place now because…

DS What has that got to do with the price of cheese? We are talking about the climate of the earth. Local experience is one way or the other, but if you want to, talk to an old fellow how he used to drive trucks across the lakes loaded down with wood, but they don’t do that no more because there’s not enough ice to carry it off. So talk to the old fellows, and they will talk to you about what is called…

PT Are you going to call industry down and say we’re going to live in tents?

DS We don’t know what we’re going to do, but we have start talking like there’s a problem first of all, and develop a consensus around that, and not let deniers who have very little evidence on their behalf take control of the press and occupy political parties, and begin…

PT You better be careful or they’ll start taking your tax payers and squandering it away on these conferences and giving it away and filling their own pockets.

DS Well, I know where a lot of my money goes, and it goes right to your own representative, who has a very fat salary.

PT Well, that’s true. Government is expensive.

DS No, I’m not talking about governing expenses, I’m talking about keeping our representative in Ottawa in the style to which he is accustomed.

PT Every Liberal and Conservative, they are all paid the same.

DS We can talk about the cost of government, and I know that Stephen Harper has tried to reduce the scale of government, while at the same time allowing large private industries to establish the mandate and direction of policies in Canada. And I think we have to recognize just to what extent the oil-and-gas industry is…

PT It’s making money! If we didn’t have an oil-and-gas industry, Alberta would be in a lot of trouble. They’re the only one paying in. We’re all have-nots. We’re all getting the transfer money from Alberta.

DS We would all have to lead decent lives and stop tearing off the face of this earth. And do you know where that gas and oil is going to go?

PT Where?

DS The United States. That’s why they’re building the pipeline.

PT Why don’t we sell it?

DS We can’t, because of the proportionality clause in the NAFTA. We have to supply the United States as much percentage-wise as when the agreement was signed. We can’t go back on that, otherwise we get invaded.

PT Who told you are running out of gas and oil?

DS Who told me we are running out of gas and oil? Haven’t you heard the news? The International Energy Agency has said we’ll reach peak oil by the year 2020.

PT Well, we’ll have an alternative then.

DS What kind?

PT I don’t know, sir…And the sky was falling, and the chickens were running around, and you know what? The same alarmists today – What are we going to do. You know what? Free enterprise will figure it out. And we will figure out how to drive our economy, sir, without the government intervention. Because when the government gets involved, it’s called communism and socialism.

DS Free enterprise has already created the mess in Alberta, where it’s screwing up an area the size of England to extract oil from the tar sands, leading to a vast pollution problem on the Athabaska…

PT And your problem is? Why?

DS Because my fellow humans are suffering, or going to suffer, as a result of it all.

PT Fellow humans!

DS How would you like to be downstream of that mess? Would you like to live on the Athabaska River?

PT I wouldn’t like to live near the Pickering Power Plant, either, but that’s my choice. That’s the freedom of choice of every Canadian.

DS A lot of folks don’t have freedom of choice, or they prefer to stay where they were born and live with their families and with their neighbours.

PT Well, there you go!

DS Well, I’m not going anywhere. I’m telling you that they’re faced with a wall of pollution coming down on them.

PT I’m glad you’re so concerned about them out there.

DS Because I’m a fellow human being.

PT Well, don’t drive your car.

DS I don’t.

PT You take a bicycle?

DS No. Most of the time I don’t drive my car, is what I’m saying.

PT There you go.

DS 99% of the time I don’t drive my car.

PT Most people have no choice. They’ve got to go to work. They’ve got to keep their lives going, and everyone is doing the best they can to do it.

DS No they’re not. Obviously you’re not doing your best, because you are a denier. You’re offered an argument, which if you had an open mind and somebody supplied you with the scientific details, you could not refute it. You do not have the ability to contest the scientific data, so you listen to a couple of oddballs on the margin, who scoff at science…

PT Now just wait a minute. You’ve insulted me. How do you know how much education I have?

DS Because you sound like you don’t have any. Because you’re quoting oddballs. You’re not proceeding in a rational state. You have a set of prejudices that you’re voicing. You are unable to point to any literature that can support your points of view. You’ve chosen to go with a bunch of kooks and oddballs at the very margin of science, and you take their point of view holus-bolus without looking at the consensus argument.

PT Do you have a PhD?

DS Yes I do.

PT That’s what it sounds like.

DS I’m sorry about that. I wish I could act like an ignoramus. But you know something? Canadians like to draw averages. So there’s somebody who knows something, and there’s somebody who’s ignorant. You know what the difference is, if you draw the average between the two?

PT What?

DS A half-wit. Goodbye.

PT Bye.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Mom's gift at Christmas


You will forgive Sharon Middlehurst for hugging Scotty Morrison so hard.
And you will understand her tears, when you hear the story of a miniature hockey stick, emblazoned with an extraordinary autograph and a Toronto Maple Leafs logo, and how it made its way to Haliburton from Toronto and the Hockey Hall of Fame.
How it made this Christmas so very special for a mom, who must now stand strong in the wings and watch as her son, chief warrant officer Chris Rusk, boards a plane for Kandahar, Afghanistan in January.
Poignant, because Haliburton resident – and hockey Hall of Famer – Scotty Morrison, along with Leafs greats Ron Ellis and Paul Henderson all conspired to bring that unique hockey stick here to Haliburton, so a proud mom could give her son something extra special for Christmas this year.
The tears came mixed with smiles as Sharon Middlehurst, known as the quilt lady in the Highlands, stood in the meeting room of Community Care Haliburton last week, with volunteer coordinator Brigitte Gebauer and Morrison.
Tears of joy blended with a mom's love, amidst a constrained and contained celebration, because this particular gift comes with a price. It comes coincident with the attendant worries of a mother who must shortly bid her son goodbye as he trudges off to war.
Etched on Middlehurst's face, a mother's fears, infused with a smile and gratitude – and those tears.
And you will understand immediately just how much Middlehurst loves her 47-year-old son, regimental sergeant major Rusk of the 2nd Regiment Royal Canadian Horse Artillery based at Camp Petawawa.
You will understand that even at 47, a son is still that little boy who skated on the backyard rink; who refused to eat his vegetables; and whose eyes lit up like an earthbound comet every Christmas morning.
And yes, that same Sgt. Maj. Rusk whose hulking presence fills a door today, is still that 13-year-old boy who was so unbelievably proud of a miniature hockey stick he received at a hockey camp, 35 years ago. A stick signed by everyone's boyhood idol, Paul Henderson.
Paul Henderson, hero of hockey's iconic '72 summit series between Canada and Russia.


Henderson, the player who like a latter day David, laid out the rumbling Russian bear with one quivering dart to the back of the twine, as seconds clicked to deadlock.
Warrant officer Rusk will be shipping out for Kandahar shortly.
It's a worrisome time for any soldier's mom.
Understandable then that Middlehurst was so focused on making this Christmas extra special for Rusk.
"Chris, when he was 12 or 13 went to hockey school one summer, and Paul Henderson gave each of the boys an autographed miniature hockey stick," says Middlehurst. "We've moved several times since then, and the stick has gone missing, and we've looked and looked, but we just can't find it.
"And I know that he [Rusk] still looks for it when he comes home, and I just thought, he's going to Afghanistan in January, and I wanted something special for Christmas for him. And I thought, 'if I could just give him another Paul Henderson stick,' and then all of a sudden I remembered, 'Scotty Morrison lives up here.'
"And you know, well, it was just incredible. I got the number from Hilary [Elia, a Community Care support worker and co-organizer, with Gebauer, of the annual Scotty Morrison Charity Hockey Tournament] and she assured me that he'd be happy to do it."
So Middlehurst phoned Morrison and left a voicemail. He was in Calgary visiting family at the time, but as soon as he got back he responded to Middlehurst's message.
"He phoned back and he said, 'I'll get you that stick,' and it was just so wonderful," says Middlehurst. "It just seemed like an impossible thing, but Scotty made it happen."
As she recounts the story, the tears again welling in her eyes, she stops just long enough to give Morrison another great big hug.
Morrison, who spent a long and illustrious NHL career as referee-in-chief, VP officiating, and later as chairman and CEO of the Hockey Hall of Fame, was self-effacing as ever, and loath to take much credit. He simply said that the stars just seemed to be aligned on this one.
"We really lucked in, because when I phoned Ron [Ellis], he said 'I'm meeting Paul this weekend,'" says Morrison. "And we were going to get a Hall of Fame stick, but we found that Chris was a Leafs' fan so we decided to use a Toronto Maple Leafs stick instead."
Morrison explains that Gebauer happened to be in Toronto recently and offered to pick it up. "Everything just seemed to work, because she was in the area and she just dropped into the Hall of Fame last week and picked up the stick and brought it back here to Haliburton in time for Christmas."
Middlehurst stops for a moment thinking about what this will mean for her son.
"He's got 29 years in [the military]," says Middlehurst. "He was 17 when he signed up, and he's done so well. So much training. He's been away from home for six months now, and he'll be in Afghanistan with the provincial reconstruction team for nine months. He's been presented with the Governor General's Award of Military Merit.
"He really believes in what he's doing, and he's done so well, I'm just so proud of him."
She says that this gift will mean a lot to Chris, but really, when you see that sparkle in those eyes, you can't help but succumb to a niggling notion that reinforces the old saw: "Better to give than to receive."
In this case, it's case closed.
"It was something, because I had second thoughts after I left that message on Scotty's phone," laughs Middlehurst. "When I left that message, I phoned a friend, and said that 'Maybe he'll think I'm nuts.'"
And in the end, that's what Christmas and giving's all about isn't it?
Leaving it all out there - on a tortured limb - for the ones you love.
And now, leaving the real perspective on this tale to Paul Henderson, no mean wielder of dreams himself.
Henderson left a wish for Chris on the autographed stick.
"To Chris – Keep safe my friend – Paul Henderson."
He signed it for Chris, but it stands as a message to all our troops, from one warrior to all those other warriors, out on that cold foreboding Afghan ice.
"Keep safe."
Twitter Terrance with story tips: terrancegavan at Twitter.com

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tiger, Tiger bum and blight – blather, bunk and blunted plight


Tiger, Tiger bum and blight ... you go son ... go fly a kite
By Terrance Gavan
Tiger, Tiger, fess-up tonight, find reprieve, shed some light.
Geez, Tiger, what the hell kind of mid-life crisis have you embarked on, for crap’s sake?
I’m guessin’ that there’s more, much more limping legless from that closet of detritus that you’ve been packing with salty dreams, fantasies and high def models.
Time for a junket to a sweat lodge Tiger.
You have now joined the hosanna chorus.
You’ve thrown your swoosh hat in the ring with the likes of Mel Gibson, a veritable string of horn dog senators and congressman, Jimmy Swaggart and all those prattling and sexually compromised preachers.
Ah, Tiger, Tiger, I think you might, need a preacher of your own tonight.
Find a pulpit, confess, connive and canoodle.
Cram ten years of transgression into one glorious, grandiose and grandiloquent sound bite. Cry, plead cajole.For god’s sake be sure to have your wife and kids in the background.
Channel your inner Flip Wilson. Tell the world: “The devil made me do it!”Better yet. Find Bill Clinton.
Ask him what the “meaning of is is.” Ah pundits, poets, preening power brokers and popinjay press. Climbing all over this one like rats on a pork bone.
Tiger, Tiger quite a sight, knockin’ spikes by firelight.
I’m actually quite happy to see Tiger on the spit doin’ a slow naked roll with the Heinz BBQ sauce splattered liberally over the appropriate parts of his anatomy.
And I’m especially impressed by Jesper Parnevik, who had the cohunes and ticklish temerity to come out and say what a lot of golfers were probably already thinking.
To wit: hey Tiger methinks the lady doth protest un-much; and she should have clobbered you with a driver instead of that true temper three iron.
Fore!
Ah Tiger, after all that practice you still can’t keep yourself out of the water (fire hydrant) or the woods (that lovely pruned Elm) and you still don’t have the slightest idea about what old Earl (your dad) was trying to say when he told you to go forth and act like a man.
And no Tiger … men do not make a habit of cruising Vegas hot spots for 23 year old cocktail waitresses, nor do they prattle, pound pattered pavement, and piss around New York with inveterate 32 year old Hungarian sports groupies.
Shit, that’s Donald Trump’s shtick.
Crunch the numbers Tiger. Just how much shit, spit and shineola do you really want to bring to this buffet?
Ah Tiger, Tiger burned the wife, find some solace, get a life.
To be fair, Parnevik did introduce his former nanny Elin to Tiger and he’s probably feeling some gut wrenching guilt from Tiger’s betrayal of a young woman who is by all accounts a dedicated wife and mother.
Word is out that money has already slid from Tiger’s vault to Elin’s pre-nupped cash and carry. Ah, would this really be a story if the lawyers weren’t scrambling for their 15 per cent.
Ah Tiger, Tiger, crumbling knight, pal-i-mony follows spite.
This is just another case of cognitive dissonance run riot. The notion that if I’m doing well, and I’m mega wealthy, I must be a pretty darn good guy.
It’s called a rich sense of entitlement and I think what Tiger forgot, is what some philosophers know only too well.
Power corrupts and absolute power creates moral ambiguity.
And moral ambiguity in the hands of snooty, self-aggrandized spoiled brats leads to … hmmm, what’s the word? Oh yes, diddling.
Hey Tiger, hearken the Amish.You know what they say, don’t you?
Sex is the gateway sin … leads to dancing, coffee and internal combustion engines.
Ah, Tiger, Tiger snickered slights, lookit’ Phil, a shining light.
Yes, not only has lefty Phil Mickelson handed you your butt on the course, he has also, by standing so bravely by his wife throughout her chemotherapy treatments, gained the moral high ground. Go Lefty go!
Now, there’s talk about you and Oprah hopping into the bright sublime of a Harpo shine.
The thought of Tiger and Oprah mooning, mincing and meekly mopping the ratings with an hour-long dipsy-doodle into some transient modality just brought back my lunch.
Oprah, do the world a favor for Christ’s sake.
Crumple up your ego and go find a real cause.
Ah, Tiger, Tiger ugly sight, leaking blood on Friday night.
I hear you won’t be banging clubs, uprooting small shrubs and abusing the f-word in your own tournament upcoming in a couple of weeks.
Tell you what Tiger.
I’m really going to miss those fist pumps, that iconoclast’s smirk, the thousand mile stare of the self-absorbed egoist, and I’m especially going to miss the base, boorish banter emanating from your Kiwi caddy, the rude, rumpled and randy Stevie Williams.
Ah, Tiger, Tiger naughty sprite, do me a favor … go fly a kite.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hypochondria and my dog Billie Jean

My dog is exacerbating my hypochondria
Victimized again by Rev. Donald Francis Gavan
By Terrance Gavan

I am a confirmed hypochondriac.
I blame it on my upbringing and I pin it specifically on my uncle, the Reverend Donald Francis Gavan.
Gav was wildly cognizant of every working part of his slowly discombobulating body.
A chronic worrier.
A serial hypochondriac.
Now the medical definition of the disease states that:
“A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.”
The Reverend Donald Francis never actually took these minor complaints to his doctor.
He did however bring it constantly and continuously to his rather large extended family in Ottawa.
He was a constant presence at Saturday and Sunday Gavan family dinners.
His own hypochondria was enormously and prodigiously enlarged when confronted by other people’s maladies.
He was a “hypochondriac chart topper” taking extravagant and almost Rambo-like zeal in medical one-upmanship
If you had a cold … Uncle Don had the Asian Flu.
If you had shin splints … The Rev had a torturous ankle condition from a “pre-existing wartime injury” that “flared up” in hot humid conditions; or extended cold snaps.
My mother had three major coronaries.
The Reverend Donald would visit regularly.
Inevitably he would leave the hospital with mysterious chest pains, shortness of breath and shooting pains down his right arm.
By the time we reached the car - having watched a procession of emergency room victims pass by in various states of disrepair - Father Don would be limping, wheezing, and wiping rivers of sweat from his forehead.
“My arm’s swelling up, I have a migraine, I think I’ve got a bad case of Denghi Fever, let’s get the hell out of here,” Gav would say, sprint-limping like a gut-shot Ostrich to the car.
I happened to mention one Sunday that I was doing some research on the rise of smallpox on the African continent.
I swear to God, Gav popped his head around the corner of the kitchen.
“Tell me about it,” says Reverend Donald Francis. “I have these huge red welts around my abdomen and my joints have been sore as hell since last Tuesday. Smallpox eh? Have you got any reading material that I can take home tonight?”
Understand that we all loved Father Don.
We just wondered a lot about his almost manic preoccupation with disease.
He smoked about three to 15 packs of cigarettes a day.
Never once did I ever hear him complain about an allergy to smoke, or some concern that his habit may be contributing to a lowered life expectancy. His own hypochondria never extended to his own forlorn lifestyle choices.
The medical profession calls this “whistling past the graveyard.”
I call it ironic, because it was lung cancer that finally swept the good Donald Francis off this patch of green in the late nineties.
My own hypochondria I attribute directly to the Reverend Donald Francis. Rampant and derelict access to the Internet and all those dastardly self-diagnosis sites doesn’t help either. And now I have an itchy problem with my dog Billie Jean.
Some time ago I read an article about the canine’s ability to sniff out disease in humans. It said: “Already dogs are used to warn of epileptic seizures, low blood sugar and heart attacks, although whether they are detecting changes in smell or physical behavior is still unknown. And, while they may not be able to perform CPR, some canines do know how to call 911.”
I am now fully tuned in to my dog’s first-alert warning system.
If she takes an inordinate interest in my feet, I am off like a shot to Haliburton emergency services.
“What’s wrong,” Triage Person will ask.
“I’m not sure,” I reply, “but my dog Billie Jean seems to think I may have a pre-existing ankle problem. Maybe run a battery of X-Rays and set me up for a Cat Scan?”
My preoccupation with Billie’s moods has increased exponentially over the past two years as I do further research on canine diagnosis via my hi-speed Googler.
I am stretching the patience of the very solicitous Triage Person at Haliburton General.
One day last week Billie stared unblinking at the top of my head.
Fearing the worst, I bolted for emergency.
Triage person sits looking at me with that perplexed and haggard look of the long-suffering soul.
“Terry, what now?” says Triage Person.
“I don’t know, but Billie’s thinking brain aneurysm, and I’m guessing we’ll be wanting a full PET scan,” I say, tapping the top of my head which produced a hollow Bongo-Congo sound. “Oh and she was licking my hand … what do you think? Carpal Tunnel or arthritis?”
She points me to my doctor.
My doctor, Marcia Welby MD, is a no-nonsense practitioner, and she is not quite as patient or understanding as Triage Person.
“Terry, I want you to quit bothering Triage Person,” says Dr Marcia.
“Billie Jean is not clairvoyant and dogs do not have a license to practice medicine in Ontario. Oh, and I want you to put a block on Web MD on your Internet,” says Marcia.
We have come to a grudging agreement.
I limit my Triage Person visits to one or two per month.
But just in case … I am currently teaching Billie Jean to dial 911.
She’s apparently a quick learner.
Last month I got a bill from my long distance provider.
Did you know that a random call to the Australian Outback comes in at $165 per hour?
Billie Jean is giving me a migraine.
I think.