No Bull and Running in Pamplona

   Papa gave credence to this sport. This run. This flight into danger.

   In The Sun also Rises, Ernest Hemingway imparted a luminous macho cachet to the running of the bulls at Pamplona. A bust of Papa still graces the route of the bulls. The town of Pamplona, and the festival of San Fermin, owes a debt of gratitude to the writer. The town and the bull run achieved prominence on the florid pages of Hemingway’s epic novel. People run today, they flock to Pamplona, because of Papa’s prose. Ah yes, as they say in the travel brochures: “They come for the Sangria, the bulls and the run … but they stay for the reconstructive surgery.”

   Published in 1926, The Sun also Rises remains Hemingway’s signature piece. Demons, not bulls, chased Papa; this man’s man; this writer’s writer; this implacable force of nature; this erudite, complex and dogged anti-fashionista; cigars, scotch, hard-knock. The young bull who, in 1961, finally succumbed to form; old man at sea; shotgun exit. Papa and I share a birthday. July 21. We also share a fascination with the crazies who like to dash madly around the streets of Pamplona at this time of year.

   There are numerous sites on the Internet that list survival tips for those who wish to run with the bulls. Unfortunately people still don’t take the time to read them. Or maybe they do.

   Here’s what one Internet tip page says about the annual ruminant romp:

   “Running with the bulls is dangerous and is not recommended. Each year dozens of people require medical attention after running with the bulls. It is important to get tips on running with the bulls from people who have run before.”

   Here’s what we know about that.

   There is something approaching vague non sequitur here. Don’t do it. But get advice from the idiots who do.

   But, what the hay. A tip’s a tip.

   I talked with veteran Spanish bull runner Lefty Gomez. Lefty has run with the bulls 22 straight years.

   “Lefty … got any tips for the novice bull runner?”

   “WHAT? Quips?” yelled Lefty, whose right hand was gored by a particularly flamboyant bull back in 1988. Hence the nickname.

   “No, Lefty, tips, y’know for the new runner.”

   “I am sorry senor … pleez and scuza’ … my right ear, she’s not worka’ to good … shesa’ torn by ze toro back in 1998 … I no heara’ too good.”

   “TIPS LEFTY … TIPS FOR THE NEW RUNNER WITH EL TOROS!” I said, louder.

   “No need to scream senor … I turna’ my head around to my lefta’ ear … ah yes meester Terry … Teeps for Toro muchos importante … you must, when you run … run very, very, very fasta’ … otherwise, ze bull … she catcha’ up … and zen we havea’ de troubles … ze bulls, zey runna very, very fasta … and for you guys’ from da Kanada’ remember two tings’ … RUN quicka’ …  Avance Rapido!!! … and bringa’ de Blue Cross! … Oh and yessa’ remember Rapido … Rapido zeeza’ mui importante! And so sorry … Sometimesa’ I repeata’ myself … itsa’ de 19 concussa’ froma’ de bulls collida’ witha’ ma’ melona.”

   Here’s what we think about getting advice from the veteran.

   Lefty … 22 runs … 19 concussas … Get the picture? 

   Here’s another Internet tip.

   “No touchie: if you are close to a bull don't touch him or try to grab his attention. It will just make him mad.”

   Here’s what we think about that.

   The 10 to 15 bulls set loose on the streets of Pamplona are spurred on their journey to the tune of twin rocket blasts. The bulls are bred especially for their fierceness. They weigh a half a ton apiece. They are ripping through narrow streets midst a cacophony of drunk and screaming humanity. They have been jostled, yelled at and are trying in vain to gain legitimate footholds on slippery cobblestoned streets. Believe me tipsters … the bulls are already stark raving bonkers. A pat on the rump ain’t gonna’ make a whit of difference to their overall demeanor. They are cranky. Capiche?

   I grew up on a ranch in the Manitoba Interlake. Here’s what I know for certain. How can I put this? An angry bull is an angry bull. Bulls get mad, and once there, they don’t get madder. They just usually get even.

   Here’s another tip from the bullish on-line swamis.

   “Redirecting the bull: it is possible to redirect the bull by waving a rolled up newspaper to attract its attention. This is useful if a bull is approaching directly behind you - if so, use the rolled up paper and direct the bull to overtake on the side - it really does work.”

   Here’s what we think about that.

   Hah! Good luck.

   I have worked over a hundred cattle sales at several auction marts in Manitoba. I have pushed steers up and down narrow chutes. I have confronted ruminants of many sizes and types in those narrow corridors. Let me now set this particular record straight, just in case you’re getting the wrong idea here.

   If you have a rolled up copy of the New York Times in your hand … and are standing in front of a charging bull in the cobbled streets of Pamplona. Here’s what I suggest you do with it. Give yourself a slap right upside your noggin. Really!

   Hit yourself as hard as you can. Hit yourself till you see stars. Hit yourself till you hear the Bells of Notre Dame. Then close your eyes and shout the following at the top of your lungs:

   “I am a colossal moron. I am an idiot. Oh God … that bull is freaking big! OWWWW! THAT HURTS!”

   When you wake up in ER, remember this final tip, which is the only tip that actually makes any sense.

   “Make a Will: It’s a good idea to make / update your Will before you set off. And also fill out a donation card for any organs that may remain unpunctured.”n