If it Walks Like a Duck ... It Ain't a Plover

Sports Column
From the Locker Room
If it Quacks it’s a Duck
By Terrance Gavan

Here’s what I know about steroids.
If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it’s not a platypus.
Here’s what my Pops used to say about athletes.
“If you want to soar with the eagles, don’t waddle with the ducks.”
Here’s what I know about that statement.
Many athletes who want to soar with the eagles are taking certain substances to help get them off the ground.
Here’s what those athletes are telling me about the stuff they are taking.
“My chemist tells me that it’s a derivative of flaxseed oil.”
Here’s what I know about that statement.
Any elite athlete who starts a sentence with “My Chemist tells me” needs to find a new agent… and a lawyer, and a friendly ear on a Senate subcommittee.
Here’s what I know about flaxseed oil.
If it really did the amazing things that Marion Jones and Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire and Victor Conte and Ben Johnson say it does… well there would be a lot of very, very rich farmers in our prairie provinces.
And here’s what I know about the farming economy in the Canadian Prairies. It’s slowly moving from abysmal to moribund.
And here’s what I know about Martina Hingis, who was recently outed in a Wimbledon drug test for traces of cocaine.
She says that she has never used cocaine because she has a family and is a good person.
Here’s what I know about that.
Having a family, being a good person and cocaine use are not mutually exclusive things.
Here’s what we now know about Martina.
She has retired, claiming that she’s tired of the whole business.
Here’s what Shakespeare says about that.
“Methinks the Lady doth protest… too much.”
Martina has volunteered to give a sample of her hair follicle to prove that she has never taken cocaine.
Here’s what I know about that.
If you know enough about drug pathology to know that hair follicles can be used to trace vestigial signs of long term cocaine abuse…. then you know way too much about cocaine to be playing the innocent and getting all Seventh Day Adventist on us.
Here’s what I know about the Mormon’s and Seventh Day Adventists.
Because they will not place anything in their body that is not approved by their Church Elders… no Seventh Day Adventist or Mormon will ever win the Tour de France.
But I digress… here’s what I know about Martina Hingis.
Martina… Martina! Cocaine is NOT a performance enhancer!
If you are still confused Martina… please look up www.crackheadscaughtonfilm.com and take a glance at some of the pictures.
Here’s what I know about cocaine.
It will never be confused with the clear or even flaxseed oil.
Here’s what I know about Marion Jones, who won a lot of gold medals.
Marion Jones will be returning a lot of those gold medals and some of her teammates on the US relay team will also be returning their Gold Medals because they were handing or being handed tainted batons.
Here’s another thing I know about Marion Jones.
Marion Jones spent years saying that the only juice she used was a little of the old flaxseed.
Here’s what I know about that.
The flax farmers are still broke.
Here’s another thing I know about Miss Jones.
For years and years “the Lady didth protesteth way, way too much!”
Here’s what I know about that.
“Liar, liar pants on fire!”
And here’s another thing I know about Marion Jones, who, for years soared like an eagle.
If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck?
Guilty, guilty, guilty!