Phelps and Tinkering with the Paradigm
Boys Just Wanna’ have Fun
By Terrance Gavan
Mike Phelps hasn’t been charged with any offence. He was caught on camera at a University of South Carolina frat party in full-bong bas-relief.
He issued the de rigueur chaste apology.
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said. “I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”
Now, he’s young. And he’s been caught doing something that several US presidents have admitted to doing. He smoked some weed. No biggie as far as I’m concerned. If the wacky cell phone image, a little blurred – perhaps mimicking the moment - can be believed, unlike President Clinton, Mike Phelps almost assuredly did inhale.
President George Bush not only inhaled, but he was prone to mixing the Haile Selassie treat with a certain white powder and a liberal dose of Jack Daniels. This might explain why the once-AWOL fighter pilot was never asked to set an F-16 onto the bobbing deck of an Aircraft Carrier on NATO maneuvers.
The mewling, meticulous and mincing Michael Phelps who issued the apology seems a little different from the joie de vivre gung ho troubadour of swing described at the University of South Carolina frat bash held just three months after his return from Beijing.
Quoted in News of the World - the British Tabloid that broke the photo and the story - some members of Phelps’s hastily formed entourage of hangers-on and paparazzi-in-waiting college goofballs said that Phelps looked right at home in the over exuberant milieu of the typical low angst, high octane frat bash.
One exuberant swim fan who witnessed the star’s behaviour told the News of the World: “He was out of control from the moment he got there. If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”
As he basked in his hero status, Phelps knocked back beers and tequila shots. And when a student offered him the glass bong engraved with red writing, he did not hesitate, says the source at News of the World.
“You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do,” said the frat-tat-ta. “He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.”
Aha, probably heading to the 7-11 for a late nite post-toke hit of 4-liter Big Gulp, six chili-dogs and 3-pound cardboard crate of jalopeno-cheese-melty nachos.
So you can see my problem with Phelps’s new-found evangelical spasm and the airy fairy apology. Phelps issued a similar apology in 2004 when he was caught drinking and driving and was subsequently hammered with a court ordered 18-month probationary sentence.
News of the World sources tell us exactly what that apology was worth. The night after being caught on digitized camera, Phelps returned again to party. “Like the night before he was holding court, throwing back shots two at a time and pouring drinks to every cute girl.”
We are hoping that Phelps did not follow up this night at Pavlov’s Bar with a moonlight spin in his tricked out Lexus with the moon roof and built in barf bag.
I got no problem with Mike Phelps having fun. Busting out. Cutting loose.
I got a problem with the fact that he’s collecting close to $10 million large in endorsements (cut by a mill or two since Kellogg decided to suspend his endorsement rights) which, knowing lawyers and big corporations, are most assuredly liberally sprinkled with all manner of manhole-cover-sized morality loopholes.
Clauses like: “The party of the second part acting on behalf of the party in the first part shall endeavor to act in a manner commensurate with the good name of the party of the first part’s upstanding and relevant world view. To wit: the party of the second part shall not act out in a manner that may cause the party of the first part embarrassment. This may include things like armed robbery, cavorting with members of the Communist party, hanging with Bloods or Crips, dating Amy Winehouse, being caught on video with Paris Hilton, or assaulting Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. The party of the first part should also not act like a morally repugnant idiot by being caught on camera with his speedo trunks wrapped and twisted in a shepherd’s knot around his ankles. Failure to comply may result in the party of the second part pissing away $4 million into an Olympic Sized puddle of chlorinated water.”
Again, no problem at all with Michael risking it all on the big duck, duke and dive. It’s his money to fritter and I couldn’t give a spit.
My problem was with his searing promise lo those many years ago to act as a significant role model for youth in America and around the world.
Here’s what I know about role models.
By definition, role models do not indulge in idiotic and semi-comatose activity that will necessitate a public apology – twice - on the world stage.
So please Mr. Phelps.
By all means go out and have some fun.
Sew your wild oats, hang out at the animal house, crank back a few liberal hits of whatever suits your fancy.
But don’t expect the thinking members of society to be placated by the mince and mewl of those hurried virtuous words issued with blank stare and broad-shouldered shrug.
I don’t believe you.
And I know the kids don’t.
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