Vitamin-fortified junk – hallelujahs for techno
Bonbons, butts, buckshot and bullets – on becoming consumer friendly
By Terrance Seamus O’Gavan
Health Canada is investigating the efficacy of adding vitamins to junk food.
About time too.
Good stuff like potato chips, double-dipped chocolate covered cheese-puffs, and cotton candy have been taking some hard knockin’ raps of late.
Woebegone naysayers in Canada’s meds profession are already manning the ramparts, and calling on the organics cognoscente to fight this trending toward totalitarian technology.
“I think that almost certainly what it will lead to is the fortification of junk food, of highly processed food, that really we should be discouraging the consumption of,” says Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, medical director of the Bariatric Medical Institute in Ottawa.
Horse hooey. What a namby-pamby.
Relax and abate good doctors. The people like it.
Forget all that useless claptrap about apples and oranges, broccoli and carrots.
Forge ahead. Get with the program. It’s 2009 for god’s sake.
Your kids hate parsnips and pomegranates. They love Pringles, Pez, peanut brittle, and popcorn. Add a bit of Vitamin D, some Human Growth Hormone, a spackle of Vitamin C, B12, garlic, and testosterone to that 550 gram Mars bar, and voila!
Your compost and rubbish diet is fundamentally fortified with a mélange of anti-aging, cancer-battlin’, weight-wackin’, cold-crunchin’ and swine-flu fightin’ agents.
Win-win. Junk food crunched to healthy living.
The paradigm spins. Mottos move. A 21st century campaign is borne.
“A Snickers a day keeps your doctor at bay.”
And why stop there for god’s sake.
The good news is spreading.
The gun lobby is on board. Like Season Shot, an ammo supplier. Years ago they came up with bird shot made from oregano, garlic, onion, pepper and other spiced treats.
Check out Season Shot’s startling new ad: “Ammo with Flavor! Season Shot is made of tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product. The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact … When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird.” Whoeeee! And it comes in a wide array of flavors.
Now, gun makers are jumping on board this techno train.
National Rifle Association stalwarts Remington, and Smith and Wesson, are even marketing a safe bullet. You heard me.
A spokesman for Remington, Cleveland Gusto, says that all of their bullets –even those flak-jacket piercing, cop-killing, tightly-wound titanium-alloy 44-aught loads – will now be injected and fortified with vitamins C, D and E, a broad-base antibiotic, and a full 100-milligram dose of Anti-Inhibitor Coagulant Complex, an agent that speeds clotting in trauma victims.
“Drive-by deaths are on the rise in North America,” says Gusto. “In an effort to help appease this upward trend in senseless carnage, we will now be using a beneficial clotting agent to give innocent bystanders, cops, firemen, and other collateral damage victims some extra time after receiving a typically fatal gunshot wound.”
Gusto says that field tests are underway right now.
“We’ve been experimenting with the blood-clotting ammo in some war zones – Afghanistan, Iraq, various parts of Africa, downtown Detroit and southern LA - and thus far into field studies, especially with the vitamin and antibiotic enriched ammo additives, survival rates of gunshot victims is up dramatically.”
Gusto goes on to say that the bullet will be marketed as “The Life Saver – Your Friendly Fire Friend!”
The ammo, in various calibers, and sold in pink packaging, will be in your local K-Mart or gun shop, just in time for Christmas.
Nice. And you thought the gun lobby was just another hulking, asset-accumulating monolith, tied tightly to the bottom line.
It’s not stopping there either.
Smokers of the world unite.
From Montreal – where else? – we hear about VitaCig.
A Montreal entrepreneur, Roger Ouellette, is marketing a new type of cigarette called the VitaCig.
The Pitch?
You can have your smoke and get some important vitamins at the same time. Roger Ouellette, inventor of the healthy smoke – no, you pussies, this is not an oxymoron - created it for his “smoking” wife. (Smoking, in this case, being a pejorative and not an embellishment we’re guessing?)
He says the VitaCig has fewer odors than a regular cigarette, and also contains important ingredients such as vitamin C.
Ouellette, who didn't return my calls, told CTV recently, “We give you all the vitamins you lose, plus some vitamins to help you.” Health Canada is not impressed, and stresses that there is no such thing as a healthy cigarette.
Pussies and panty-waists. Quebecois smokers know better. The VitaCig is now available in over 2,000 stores in Quebec and will eventually make its way to other parts of the country.
Roger is already in discussions with Philip Morris, the Mohawk Nation and a number of other big players in big tobacco.
In an interview on National Public Radio recently, Ouellette says he is presently immersed deep within the bowels of his semi-detached Lachine basement laboratory working on phase two of his groundbreaking VitaCig project.
“Me, I’m working next on the VitaCig injected with a Phase Four Lung Cancer chemotherapy drug therapy regimen,” chuckles Ouellette. “My wife, Celine, she’s 45, been smoking for 25 years. She’s tres healthy right now, but you gotta’ know, oh-la-la, she’s buckin’ those odds. I want to be ready with ChemoCig (Trademark registered) when Celine needs it. No ifs, ands, or butts. (Sic – typo by author, who couldn’t resist)”
And, of course, I know what you’re thinking.
How close the apocalypse?
And when can we expect the locusts?
Milksops! Embrace the technology.
And remember Marie Antoinette.
Who said “Let them eat cake.”
Taken back then as a pejorative dismissal of the masses.
We know today that of course she was referring to the good cake.
The Chocolate-Chip-Carrot-Cookie-Crumble with the injected smallpox and mumps vaccine, vitamin C, D and E complex, oxidizing tetracycline compound, herpes therapy, and whole wheat fortified anti-bacterial abstract.
Relax people.
It’s all good.
And that ominous gathering black cloud, blotting out the sun on the horizon?
I have it on good authority.
Not locusts.
Just grasshoppers.
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